i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
