He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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