$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
