I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
