I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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