Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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