dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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