theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
