just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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