he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
