Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
