My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
