I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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