my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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