I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
