What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
