FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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