I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
