dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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