I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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