Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
