forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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