Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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