I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
