WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
