im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
