She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
