what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
