it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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