She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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