Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
