do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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