my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
