I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
