Umm I'm too high to move.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
