i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
