he shaved USA in his pubs
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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