how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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