Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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