So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
