if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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