Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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