My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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