Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
