The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
