You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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