I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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