Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
