I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
