He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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