Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
