you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
