I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
