You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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