god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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