i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
