The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
