Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
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There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
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The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize