I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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