the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize