proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
