Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
