It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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